Two-Faced Lies

Ever felt like you’ve got two personalities? The one you show in public and the one you keep to yourself? That’s kind of how I feel. I feel like I live a double life along with two faces to match. I think I’ll start with explaining the latter.

I have to sides to my one face. The first side craves friendship, hates losing friends, is one of the softest people on the planet, can’t take the fact that he might have ruined a friendship (hence why he always says sorry, if you pretend to be offended) and wants to be universally accepted and loved. He usually comes outside.

The other side, however, tends to be a little more ‘cool’ in his approach. He shuns everyone, flinches at personal contact, doesn’t feel the need to be loved, loves being a recluse and prefers universal hate instead of acceptance. He usually stays at home.

These two sides have come round over time and I’m sure quite a few people can relate to what I’m talking about when I talk about my father. I, as a child, was always eager to do whatever he asked to the best of my ability to make him proud but, as I now know, my best wasn’t good enough. Where he had failed in life, he wanted me to copy and succeed and when I didn’t live up to his expectations I was greeted with cold indifference. As you all know most little boys’ dreams are to make their fathers proud and live up to their standard or above and me, being the typical boy, fell in step with this tradition.

As I look back over the close-to-decade time I spent trying to appease my dad I realised that I never once got a ‘well done’ after completing a 20 mile bike ride or a hug when I did exactly as he asked. He always wanted more and chastised me unless I did. Due to recent developments, however, I have recently begun questioning myself as to whether he actually wanted a son. I won’t go into details but sometimes I wonder whether Rubie was the child he wanted all along.

This brings me back to my two faces. When I am wearing the first, I loathe the second. When I am wearing the second, I wish the first didn’t exist. My second face makes me feel secure. It protects me from being hurt and not living up to other people’s expectations. I block off affection, speech, human contact and other things to ensure my safety. This usually works for a while but it becomes cumbersome and hard to maintain…so my usual ‘public’ face makes a move. While this face is the easiest to maintain, I constantly worry for public opinion and personal appearance. In short, I have really low self-esteem…and it eats at me. It’s when it gets to that stage when my ‘recluse’ face appears. Most of the time it feels like my mind’s in a constant war…which makes it really hard to concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes. Sometimes I wonder if I have mental instability or if I’m going insane. Sometimes I wish I was. At least I’d be taken away to rest a while. It probably doesn’t help that I listen to Eminem 24/7. It keeps all my anger inside and I, for one, love it. It makes me feel like a time bomb, just waiting for someone to tick me off…but it never happens.

 

There we go! Unnecessary ramble over!

Have a good night and sleep well!

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One Comment Add yours

  1. I used to go through this… I still do to a degree but the best way I found to deal with it was to just be me, learn to love in the skin I am in and not allow others people to define me only allow God to define me. Whoever/whatever God made you to be is in accordance with His will for your life. There was a quote I read this and it said, ‘if you allow people to define you they can confine you.’ I kind of live by that statement nowadays. Not saying I purposely disregard any advice or counsel anyone might give me but I take it on board weigh it up against what I know I was created to be, and if it doesn’t fall in line with that then it goes out the window.

    The second thing is, in terms of craving love, acceptance, appreciation from others, I found out it doesn’t always come from those you expect it from and it hurts every time, its completely natural to put on the ‘second face’ that you described, but I realised it’s one of those things in life where you just gotta carry on giving it to out and it will comes to you in ways you would least expect it or forget to even appreciate. I also found out that its not possible if God is not your source because only He has an endless supply of love. Hope this makes sense and didn’t sound too much like a sermon dude but my main piece of advice is to just do you.

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